Saturday, May 22, 2010

You go through life taking so much for reach a certain age and you think you know everything there is to know about life..and then you reach a certain age and you realize you know absolutely nothing, zip, nada, zilch..and the moment you come to this realization, you are instantly filled with all of this regret, all this remorse and the thought, "I wish I could go back and do everything differently" starts crashing through your mind over and over and over again..and then you realize, with crystal clear clarity, that you can't go back, and all there is to do is go forwards...

People say, "Do what you want" or, "Do what's best for you," and for awhile the hedonistic lifestyle suits you..but there comes a time when you realize, its never just about you..the selfish, mindless indulgence of ones self dissolves and you find out it has NEVER been just about matter what you do, or where you go in life, where you end up-there is always someone else involved. You hold the balance of so many other lives in your hands...

The partying, the drinking, the all becomes so pointless, so realize it never made sense to begin make choices, and your choices either lead you down the pathway to an internal hell or a serenity of mind..

Everyone wants to rush being "Big," or being "Grown" but I would like nothing more than to curl up in my Dad's lap again like when I was a kid and just lose myself in the comfort of his presence..I wish things were as simple as sticking a band-aid on a scraped knee...but the time for those types of things has come and gone..21 is right around the corner, a mere 35 days..its time to stop playing the bullshit games and focus on doing what needs to be done, what is right and what is decisions and my whims have finally forced me to see reality, to see that everything doesn't revolved around me or my childish wants/wishes...its really, really time to grow up and leave the past and my childhood behind...

Tonight carved some lessons into my heart and mind that I will never forget, and I hope to god I can stick to my word when I say I will never, ever put anyone in the position I had people in tonight..directly nothing was said or done on my part to harm anyone or start trouble, but I planted a seed, an idea that put a dozen people in jeopardy...the partying, the drinking and everything else is over..

Its over...I'm done, I'm over it...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Unspoken Thoughts

Girl meets boy, Boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after..Classic, cliche tale right? If only it had been that simple in my case...the past 4 1/2 years would have drastically been altered.

If we hadn't been so stupid and thick headed, the obstacles that face us now wouldn't even be in existence...but then again, we were barely 16, so the odds of us NOT being stupid and thick headed aren't that good.

Our timing has never been right, not once in that 4 1/2 years; why should we think this time will be any different? He's come and gone a million times it seems, and one or the other of us has been tangled up or tied down to someone else. He's planning yet another visit, and it seems like the time is finally ours...but I'm starting to wonder if thats really what I want.

The saying, "Good things come to those who wait" keeps replaying over and over in my head lately..well hell, I've definitely been waiting long enough..but, somehow it just seems like this is it, my last chance, my ending. If I take this chance, I know the ending to my story. If I don't take this window of opportunity, if I'm not ready, well it be closed to me forever?

March 4, 2010

For today…(Thursday, March 4, 2010) Its 1am and I'm wide awake

Outside my window…the world is still and misleadingly at peace

I am thinking…I'm slowly regaining my old self..but something deep inside of me keeps trying to tug me back to the darker side, the impostor Jordin left behind

From the learning room…Bats don't suck blood, they lap it up with their tongues

I am thankful for....tough love, mistakes that have helped me realize so many important things about myself and life, my family and Lexibear

From the kitchen…the kitchen is currently uninhabited

I am wearing…shorts and the top half to my surgical scrubs

I am creating…a journal documenting my life from here on out..its a work in progress

I am going…to bed shortly

I am reading...surprisingly, nothing at the moment

I am hoping…I keep my act together and not waste the second chance I've been given

I am hearing…"Bigger" by the Backstreet boys

Around the house…its chaotic lately