You go through life taking so much for granted..you reach a certain age and you think you know everything there is to know about life..and then you reach a certain age and you realize you know absolutely nothing, zip, nada, zilch..and the moment you come to this realization, you are instantly filled with all of this regret, all this remorse and the thought, "I wish I could go back and do everything differently" starts crashing through your mind over and over and over again..and then you realize, with crystal clear clarity, that you can't go back, and all there is to do is go forwards...

People say, "Do what you want" or, "Do what's best for you," and for awhile the hedonistic lifestyle suits you..but there comes a time when you realize, its never just about you..the selfish, mindless indulgence of ones self dissolves and you find out it has NEVER been just about you..no matter what you do, or where you go in life, where you end up-there is always someone else involved. You hold the balance of so many other lives in your hands...

The partying, the drinking, the drugging..it all becomes so pointless, so juvenile..you realize it never made sense to begin with..you make choices, and your choices either lead you down the pathway to an internal hell or a serenity of mind..

Everyone wants to rush being "Big," or being "Grown" but I would like nothing more than to curl up in my Dad's lap again like when I was a kid and just lose myself in the comfort of his presence..I wish things were as simple as sticking a band-aid on a scraped knee...but the time for those types of things has come and gone..21 is right around the corner, a mere 35 days..its time to stop playing the bullshit games and focus on doing what needs to be done, what is right and what is good..my decisions and my whims have finally forced me to see reality, to see that everything doesn't revolved around me or my childish wants/wishes...its really, really time to grow up and leave the past and my childhood behind...

Tonight carved some lessons into my heart and mind that I will never forget, and I hope to god I can stick to my word when I say I will never, ever put anyone in the position I had people in tonight..directly nothing was said or done on my part to harm anyone or start trouble, but I planted a seed, an idea that put a dozen people in jeopardy...the partying, the drinking and everything else is over..

Its over...I'm done, I'm over it...