You go through life taking so much for granted..you reach a certain age and you think you know everything there is to know about life..and then you reach a certain age and you realize you know absolutely nothing, zip, nada, zilch..and the moment you come to this realization, you are instantly filled with all of this regret, all this remorse and the thought, "I wish I could go back and do everything differently" starts crashing through your mind over and over and over again..and then you realize, with crystal clear clarity, that you can't go back, and all there is to do is go forwards...

People say, "Do what you want" or, "Do what's best for you," and for awhile the hedonistic lifestyle suits you..but there comes a time when you realize, its never just about you..the selfish, mindless indulgence of ones self dissolves and you find out it has NEVER been just about you..no matter what you do, or where you go in life, where you end up-there is always someone else involved. You hold the balance of so many other lives in your hands...

The partying, the drinking, the drugging..it all becomes so pointless, so juvenile..you realize it never made sense to begin with..you make choices, and your choices either lead you down the pathway to an internal hell or a serenity of mind..

Everyone wants to rush being "Big," or being "Grown" but I would like nothing more than to curl up in my Dad's lap again like when I was a kid and just lose myself in the comfort of his presence..I wish things were as simple as sticking a band-aid on a scraped knee...but the time for those types of things has come and gone..21 is right around the corner, a mere 35 days..its time to stop playing the bullshit games and focus on doing what needs to be done, what is right and what is good..my decisions and my whims have finally forced me to see reality, to see that everything doesn't revolved around me or my childish wants/wishes...its really, really time to grow up and leave the past and my childhood behind...

Tonight carved some lessons into my heart and mind that I will never forget, and I hope to god I can stick to my word when I say I will never, ever put anyone in the position I had people in tonight..directly nothing was said or done on my part to harm anyone or start trouble, but I planted a seed, an idea that put a dozen people in jeopardy...the partying, the drinking and everything else is over..

Its over...I'm done, I'm over it...

Unspoken Thoughts

Girl meets boy, Boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after..Classic, cliche tale right? If only it had been that simple in my case...the past 4 1/2 years would have drastically been altered.

If we hadn't been so stupid and thick headed, the obstacles that face us now wouldn't even be in existence...but then again, we were barely 16, so the odds of us NOT being stupid and thick headed aren't that good.

Our timing has never been right, not once in that 4 1/2 years; why should we think this time will be any different? He's come and gone a million times it seems, and one or the other of us has been tangled up or tied down to someone else. He's planning yet another visit, and it seems like the time is finally ours...but I'm starting to wonder if thats really what I want.

The saying, "Good things come to those who wait" keeps replaying over and over in my head lately..well hell, I've definitely been waiting long enough..but, somehow it just seems like this is it, my last chance, my ending. If I take this chance, I know the ending to my story. If I don't take this window of opportunity, if I'm not ready, well it be closed to me forever?

March 4, 2010

For today…(Thursday, March 4, 2010) Its 1am and I'm wide awake

Outside my window…the world is still and misleadingly at peace

I am thinking…I'm slowly regaining my old self..but something deep inside of me keeps trying to tug me back to the darker side, the impostor Jordin left behind

From the learning room…Bats don't suck blood, they lap it up with their tongues

I am thankful for....tough love, mistakes that have helped me realize so many important things about myself and life, my family and Lexibear

From the kitchen…the kitchen is currently uninhabited

I am wearing…shorts and the top half to my surgical scrubs

I am creating…a journal documenting my life from here on out..its a work in progress

I am going…to bed shortly

I am reading...surprisingly, nothing at the moment

I am hoping…I keep my act together and not waste the second chance I've been given

I am hearing…"Bigger" by the Backstreet boys

Around the house…its chaotic lately

Keenser Scott June '09-September '09

In our WILDEST dreams we never imagined that our shabby Shitzu, Dora, would ever get pregnant. We had been assured when she first became ours that she had been spayed..boy, were we misled! Shabby, lazy Dora gave birth to 7 little pups one night this last June and let me tell you, what a birth it was! Our Pitbull mix, Fleago, has given birth more than a handful of times and even she didn't complain as loudly and as much as our Dora...one would have thought the poor girl was dying, she was complaining so horribly, but nope, she was just giving birth. Wuss...well, I can't really say much-I haven't had to give birth to 7 kids.

As promised, I was given my choice out of the 7 block headed, colorfully assorted puppies...I was set on the runt of the litter, so pitiful looking and needy, but he slipped away on us, and after mourning the loss, I finally decided on one of the little brownies-a female I proudly dubbed "Keenser Scott."

To give a brief explanation of the name, my friend Stephen decided to drag me off to see the newest "Star Trek" film, and after laying eyes on the ugliest little alien I had ever seen, promptly fell in love and became obsessed. I knew everything I would name from then on would be named, "Keenser" and my new baby was no exception. The name stuck, and fit my little Monster just perfectly.

5 weeks after my Move to Casselberry, I decided to call my Mom and was informed immediately that my new companion was all ready to go and I could come pick her up at any time. I was back out in Geneva less than two hours later, carrying case in hand.

That day began 4 months of bliss, frustration, love and laughter that I wouldn't trade for anything. The ride back to Casselberry saw little Keenser trembling the whole way, her big front paws on my chest, her face and cold little nose buried in my neck. We made it back to Casselberry with no 'Accidents' in my lap or on the upholstery and I turned my little one loose..

The Shiba Inu, Koguma was quivering with excitement and almost turned little Keenser into a snack, while the Cat, Ama would have nothing to do with the little tan colored furball padding around on the carpet. It was pretty much love at first sight for everyone in the household, with the exception of course being grumpy Ama.

That first night I couldn't get Keenser to settle down, or quiet down for anything. I tried everything to reassure her and comfort her in her new, unfamiliar surroundings and finally at a loss I nestled her close to my side, laying her down atop my plush bunny rabbit and telling her in turn, first firmly, then softly that it was time for bed. At last, she gave one last heave of a sigh, nestled her nose into the fabric of my shirt and gave into sleep...

Until she woke up hours later with the sun, ready to go again and promptly had an 'Accident' all over the sheets. Even with puppy pee on my sheets, I was reluctant to get out of bed, and take her out...she grew tired of my reluctance and made her way clumsily to where I lay at the head of the bed, and began her first pitiful cries for attention.

I did my best to calm her, lest she wake up the still sleeping Sarah and cuddle her back up to me, but the little monster wasn't having it. She wormed her way out of my grasp, and made her way unsteadily to my pillow. I felt the slight weight of her, and figured she'd snuggle up and take a little nap, but I was mistaken. This I knew when I felt her tongue on my eyelid, licking relentlessly. This seemed to me, her way of saying "Its sunshine Mom, its time to get up, take me out-love me!" I was too pleased to be annoyed, or remove her from my bed. Her plan to get me up worked, there was no ignoring such an adorable plea for attention.

As she grew Keenser became as much a part of my daily routine as my own shadow. There was nowhere I went that she didn't go. I remember our first and sadly, only Starbucks run together. She was still terrified of the car by that time, but she took turns going first from me, to Yvonne in the drivers seat, to Sarah in the back. Turns out, she had a love for Einstein Bagels and Vanilla Frappachino's. The sight of whipped cream on her little nose and in her little beard is still etched in my mind.

I loved taking her out front in the mornings, when she first started becoming aware of the fact that outside was a designated 'Potty' spot. I'd grab my cigarettes, tuck her under my arm and head out to the front yard where I'd set her down. She take pause for just under a minute and then take off like a shot, sniffing everything, exploring and finding everything 'Chew' worthy-god help those hideous giant yellow grasshoppers if Keenser ever found them!

Her little tail would wag, and her fuzzy hound ears would fly back in the wind as she raced to and fro-one lap around the yard, then another before racing back to Mama and growling in a vain attempt for me to play awhile. 7 am is far too early for this girl to start racing about thank you!

Little Keenser was so clumsy (just like her Mama) and during any given lap around the yard, she'd almost always find something to trip over and down she'd go; front legs splayed in front of her, chin in the dirt, pink tongue panting furiously-eyes cast upwards looking at me like, "What the heck Mom!" Like I had anything to do with those long grasshopper legs getting all tangled up. It was so helplessly adorable, I Couldn't help but laugh every time before calling her over and watching her jump up and race over, no harm done.

TBC...

Long Time, No Entry

Yikes! After repeatedly overlooking several invites from my Mother, and retrieving my Blogger sign-in Password, I'm finally signed back in-I'm shocked to realize its been since November of '08 since I've made a post. Can you say, "Slacker!"

So much has happened since then, I don't even know where to begin-there's just too much!

It wouldn't hurt to mention my move to Casselberry this July. Things at home finally came to a head, and I found myself settling in with my Brother, Daniel's (15) ex-girlfriend Sarah and her all female family. Its been quite the adventure, and that's putting it mildly.

Its safe to say I adore Sarah and can usually tolerate the others, but going from a household of pretty much all males to a household of bossy, stubborn, out of control females was quite the shock to my spoiled system. I was constantly feeling dizzy and unsure of how to deal with my new room-mates..to be more exact, I was at a loss.

About 5 weeks after my arrival into their midst, I was able to bring home my new baby, a shitzu mix puppy and boy did that make the transition easier. The first born of a litter of 7, little Keenser filled up my previously empty time and kept me on my toes every second of the day. For 4 months that little girl followed my every move and proved a wonderful challenge.

With a heavy heart I say that my little Monster came down with a case of Parvo last week and after 4 days of fighting with everything she had, finally gave in and let the sickness take her. She brought with her presence in my life happiness, peace, laughter and more love than I could have imagined-She is and will be missed dearly....

I've been back out in Geneva for a month now, and have yet to make my way back to Casselberry...the loss of little Keenser weighs so heavily on my heart that the idea of walking back through that door without her is unbearable..to return to the bed we shared, and see her haunting grounds, there is no better word to describe my feelings, than unbearable...unimaginable.

Like I said, there is so much to go over, but tonight there isn't time and I'm thinking I might make an entry entirely dedicated to my little girl while I'm able.

Until my next entry, this is goodbye....

:)

For today…(Tuesday, november 27, 2008) It's Thanksgiving, and I'm home this year with my family-Mom's cooking a much anticipated Thanksgiving Dinner, and the rest of us are doing an assortment of different things. I'm being lazy and making this entry.

Outside my window…It's warming up after yet another cold night and the sun is shining.

I am thinking…that dinner needs to hurry and get done so I can have some squash casserole and EGGNOG!

From the learning room…we left off in American History learning about JFK and LBJ

I am thankful for....my family, and being able to be with them this year on Thanksgiving

From the kitchen…Momma is making traditional TG dinner: Turkey, Squash Casserole, Sweet Potatoes, Mashed Taters and Gravy, etc.

I am wearing…despite the coolness of the day, shorts and a t-shirt..I'll be rethinking that decision as the day plays out

I am creating…the only thing I'm creating is this entry for my blog...maybe momma will let me help with something in the kitchen

I am going…slowly insane?

I am reading...BREAKING DAWN! Finally, the last installment of the "Twilight Series"

I am hoping…that dinner will taste as good as I remember :)

I am hearing…paramore on my myspace playlist and the vacuum running in the back of the house somewhere

Around the house…not a whole lot is going on. Dad is fixing a broken piece of our couch(finally), my sis - SuburbanGypsy - is back vacuuming, my nephew - Lil Man - is off somewhere, probably looking to help mommy vaccum, Mickey Jade is prolly underfoot and Daniel is helping Dad, while Mom is cooking.

One of my favorite things…curling up under a pile of thick blankets and slipping into blissful sleep

A few plans for the rest of the week...finish up this Thanksgiving day, Friday is unknown and Saturday, hopefully I'll be going to see TWILIGHT the movie with my niece Jamie. We'll just have to see how that pans out. Saturday is blank, Sunday is Church to see Josh who got home from his 2 year mission and Cameron of course who is leaving for his in January :)

November 18, 2008

For today…(Tuesday, november 18, 2008) my motivation level is pretty much at zero

Outside my window…the sun is setting, and the temperature is dropping

I am thinking…that my life is gonna go on, with or without him.

From the learning room…my momma told me that bats don't drink blood, they lap it up

I am thankful for....my family, the people who(even when they don't want to) put up with my many different moods and crappy attitude.

From the kitchen…my mom is making pancakes, sausage and eggs for dinner! Yummeh

I am wearing…shorts and a hoodie, despite the dropping temperatures

I am creating…admittedly, I'm not creating much of anything today.

I am going…to school tomorrow

I am reading...Eclipse...again

I am hoping…that things will get better-at least on an emotional/mental level.

I am hearing…paramore on my myspace playlist

Around the house…the floors need sweeping cause I'm a lazy lump and forgot to do it last night

One of my favorite things…walking on the shore of the lake in companionable silence, watching the waves lapping gently over the sand.

A few plans for the rest of the week...same as the last entry, study my behind off so I can get at least an A or B on any upcoming tests and keep my mind straight about things I can't help